Hackery

(5)

Rats! Ebert and Roeper were on The Tonight Show last night and I tivod it. But today I discovered that the idiot Conan O'brien had been recorded instead. There is no possibility whatsoever that I mistook 'Conan' for 'Tonight.'

Therefore I have concluded that my tivo is subject to hackery. Too bad. But then so is almost every other thing in my life. I live with it, and once in a while I manage to get a tremendous revenge.

Revenge Satisfies. Now I am looking forward...

Phantom Foreskin Pain

(4)

Here is why: Freud failed to understand that his concept of 'penis envy' was not only personal but racial. And not only personal and racial but sexual. And not only personal and racial and sexual, but religious. Freud 'projected' the personal, racial, sexual, and religious emotions surrounding his mutilated penis onto the 'least of them:' little girls.

He got 'em as far away as he could get 'em!

It is my personal theory that Jewish penis envy is no more than an unconcious expression of Phantom Foreskin Pain.

Exact Science

(3)

Just back from the LR and TC and ML are at it again. I recorded it on my tivo.

TC really rails against 'psychiatry' as if that discipline had no cultural relevance whatsoever. In my opinion this is oversimplification based on an overly-rigid definition of 'science.' It is true that Psychology is not an 'exact science' in the sense of, say, Physics, or Astronomy, or Mathematics. That much is true. But there is no doubt whatsoever that Psychology - such as it is in the YOOL 2005 - represents a valid approach to understanding mental processes. 'Psychology' and the subset 'Psychiatry' will eventually be superceded by more modern ideas. But not yet.

I liked his implied distain for 'Freudianism,' however.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

(2)

The 20-20 story on 'Kaballah' was a real classic! I loved it!. For one thing I learned that God has at least 72 names. I didn't know that. One of my favorite moments on the show featured a rabbi who was something of an expert on Cabala. His evaluation of Kaballah was that it was akin to reducing the science of Astrophysics to, say, 'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.' I liked his sense of humor.

Jack Kilbey apparently died today. He was the inventor of the 'chip' (being gassed violently with 'throat gas'). I owe so very much to Jack Kilbey. Thank you very much, sir.

Billy Graham is on his 'last crusade,' maybe. He's in NYC tonight. BG is probably the best ever at explaining 'carrot and stick religion' to the masses. He had a simple, understandable message for the masses: 'God loves you. Even you! Love God back. If you fail to do that, then God will burn your sorry ass forever and forever in hell after you die.' The message worked spectacularly.

Still in the Dark

(1)

What a fun session that was! I'd forgot most of it as usual, but as I read along, my memories of it returned. Apparently 'lost' memories can be recalled with a little help from their friends.

I've started a new blog after a disasterous week of being gassed. The address is rbdssobstory (www.rbdssobstory.blogspot.com). The intent is to document what is going on inside this bizarre stalking game. I'll write all of it on the weekdays and save Friday nights for this blog and Saturday and Sunday for hangover recovery. I haven't decided yet whether to link both ways.

My inclination is to allow god to rest for a while and recover something of His majesty. I'll give Him at least a week. Fair warning. But this leaves me with a short list. Hmm. Here it is:

Tom Cruise - Matt Lauer - Scientology
Billy Graham - saved
Cabala - very interesting 20-20 stuff - 72+2
Jack Kilbey

My initial impression was that Tom Cruise is a nut. The interview with Matt Lauer tended to confirm that impression. But I like Tom Cruise as an actor. Furthermore everybody is entitled to a certain amount of nuttiness. Even furthermore, Tom Cruise does not yet have the perspective which age sometimes confers. So I am willing to grant Tom Cruise a suspended impression, and look I forward to Monday's interview on Today. This leaves Scientology, a 'system' created by L. Ron Hubbard.

I know very little about it, so I looked it up in my Dictionary of Philosophy. The first thing I noticed there was that Scientology should not be confused with Scientism. The next thing I noticed was that the definition of both words made little sense. So I looked them up again in my old rat-eaten American Heritage Dictionary. No joy. Next was the MW Collegiate Dictionary #11. Still no joy. Both dictionarys listed Scientism. I liked their definitions and tended to agree with them at first, but soon I had second thoughts. This still leaves me in the dark about Scientology.

But my impression of Matt Lauer has brightened.

Okey Dokey

(12)

Before I sign off tonight I want to record here that I watched 'Hannibal' off and on during the preceeding week and I was struck with 'Doctor Lecter's' habit of saying, 'Okey Dokey.'

I eventually realized that 'Okey Dokey' was uniquely 'Hollywood.' That is to say that I could not remember anybody saying it except for me and Hannibal Lecter. I probably utter the words, 'okey dokey' to myself (or Kootch) several times a week.

Therefore I came to the tentative conclusion that my little verbal habit had (boom) become 'immortalized' so to say in the movie. But clearly that is madness.

I will now release my poor tivo from the 'remembrance of Hannibal.'

As to, 'okey dokey,' I remain suitably sceptical in the approved psychological manner.

Thank god!

(11)

As I have said previously in some way or other, Jesus has never worked for me in the Mystical Sense. Alcohol has worked. Pot has worked. Acid has worked wonders... Alcohol combined with Pot produced a multitude of glorious Mystical Experiences.

But Jesus never worked for me. I endured Jesus all through my teenage years. And when I discovered philosophy I rejoiced that I no longer needed Jesus. When I discovered Pot and Acid I really rejoiced! I had finally discovered Mystical Experience! As a teenager jerking off at least once a day I resented Jesus observing me under the covers all those years. I felt that my sexual life was really off-limits to Jesus. I felt... violated.

But my discovery of Philosophy negated my inherited religion. Thank god!

Jesus Saves

(10)

...until fairly recently. But modern transportation has made mystical experience available to all but the most secluded citizen. Alcohol was, in olden times, the best vehicle to a mystical experience for the average Joe. More recently Pot has joined with Alcohol in that regard. Even more recently LSD has synergized with Alcohol and Pot to produce massive mystical experience in large populations. Mystical Experience is no longer the exclusive realm of 'the saints.'

This brings us up to date: Mystical Experience being not economically justifyable, modern culture has found a way to create a drugless ME in the name of Jesus. Alcohol was for a time outlawed but collective wisdom prevailed. As Pot and Acid came into ascendency the conservative public fell back on Jesus, and proved that Jesus was stronger than chemistry.

Words and ideas became the trigger for Mystical Experience in the conventional world. Jesus became the 'drug of choice' in the conservative culture.

Furthermore, Jesus was friendly to twentyfirst century economics. You could get rich and ignore the poor in the very name of Jesus.

The Economic Realm

(9)

For that reason Lucifer seems to be correct in his assertion that, 'Only God can see the future and He is afraid to look.'

I was pleased to see 20/20 doing a piece on Cabala, which seems to be Jewish religion gone mystical. I am not familiar with (thump) Cabala. Hopefully, the 20/20 piece will teach me a few things about it. But I must say that my first impression is favorable based on the assertion that it is actually Mystical Judaism.

Not that I'm a big fan of Judaism. I am, however a big fan of Mysticism. I love Mysticism. I love Mysticism so long as it is not taken literally. Literal Mysticism is crap.

Real Mysticism is poetical. Ouspensky knew that.

Furthermore my experience with Mysticism is that it is almost always drug-based. Ouspensky knew that too. So did Casteneda. So did ten thousand other 'mystics' who felt the need to communicate the uncommunicable to you... idiots.

Modern Culture operates in what I call the 'Economic Realm.' In the ER mystical ideas are not welcome because those ideas contribute nothing to the economic advancement of Mankind. Economics is a collective undertaking.

Mystical Ideas tend to be personal, not economical. Therefore Mystical Ideas are economically worthless and as a result those ideas are persecuted by the Economic Class.

Falling Behind

(8)

This brings us up to date more or less. God is currently in His 'universal thought-reading cycle' but has fallen behind by about twenty five hundred years so far as Earth is concerned. This explains why He missed The Holocaust: He doesn't realize yet what happened. Some of you may think that He was 'on vacation' for the last two thousand years or so. Negative. God has been on the job but has fallen behind.

The fact of the matter is that in the modern universe intelligent life is being created at a rate which far surpasses God's 'mind-read rate.' The situation will only get worse, based on current projections.

We Are Everywhere!

(7)

It was an understandable mistake. What followed, however is less understandable: He continued His planet-surfing. He discovered another billion civilizations in the universe whose inhabitants were much like the ones on Earth.

He could - theoretically - have ignored them and focused solely on planet Earth. But no. He was God. He began to literally read every mind in the universe on a 24/7 basis, looking for folks who might think He was an idiot. He eventually discovered me. And not only me but lots of other folks like me. In fact, as the universe grows, God discovers folks like me at an average rate of one thousand per second. We are everywhere!

The Genesis of a Disaster

(6)

And in His lust to know this new species He began to read their thoughts. It was His big mistake.

He discovered that much of their thought revolved around sex.

He discovered furthermore that this new species was not only intelligent but capable of guile. No angel was capable in that regard. This caused Him much consternation. He began to become paranoid. 'Suppose they admire with Me with public praise but murmer in their hearts that I am an idiot?' It was an intolerable situation. Poor God.

He did the only thing He could possibly do under the circumstances: He read their minds on a 24/7 basis. It was the genesis of a disaster.

Focus is Everything

(5)

He began to examine every possible aspect of their lives. He soon discovered that He could not control them. This was a disappointment. He discovered, furthermore, that their world was literally bathed in color. This infuriated Him and He summoned up Lucifer:

god: I ordered a colorless world! Look at Adam and Eve!
lucifer: Beautiful.
god: You disobeyed me...
lucifer: Not so. You will find Pleasantville in this new world.
god: But this world is full of obscene color! I hate color!
lucifer: We tried to explain to you right at the beginning that it was impossible to create a universe without color. We thought you understood.
god: You thought wrong.
lucifer: Try to ignore it. Focus on those other aspects which You find interesting.

God Discovers Adam and Eve

(4)

God was eventually rewarded. His planet-surfing bore fruit in about the 'year of our lord' 4004 bc. He discovered 'Adam and Eve' on planet Earth.

He had not bothered to do any planet surfing after the recently mentioned talk with Lucifer. He thought, 'Why bother? Who gives a fat... Who cares about crustaceans?' He therefore missed the emergence of intelligent life all over the universe.

But to His eternal credit he did discover Adam and Eve. It happened that Earth was the very first planet on His 'surf list,' and when He resumed surfing He hit the jackpot. He saw, in Adam and Eve, the prototype for Pleasantville. He glommed onto them immediately.

Planet Surfing Continued

(3)

God surfed. As He went on and on for billions of years he noticed that life in the universe was becoming more and more interesting. He consulted Lucifer again at the 6 billion year point.

god: Things are looking up. Life is getting more complex.
lucifer: Right on schedule.
god: When will I see Pleasantville?
lucifer: I can only guess.
god: Then guess, dammit!
Lucifer: I guess about another seven point seven.
god: Million?
lucifer: Billion.
god: Months?
lucifer: Years.

Planet Surfing

(2)

Eventually however, God learned to 'surf the planets.' As the Universe expanded and more and more suns and planets were created, God got very good at planet surfing. He eventually achieved a planet surfing rate of a million planets per second. Nothing. There were stirrings of life everywhere in the universe but no Pleasantville. He consulted the head of the original design group:

god: I am seeing life but no Pleasantville.
lucifer: It takes time.
god: Why?
lucifer: Everything takes time in this new universe. No 'poofs.'
god: You have designed a slow-motion monstrosity. I want results.
lucifer: We did our best.

What a Mess!

(1)

What a mess! I can tell you, folks, that it is far from easy to create a synthesis of modern science and ancient religion, especially when you're drunk. If I may summarize our 'progress' in this regard:

God was poking around in the future and stumbled on a movie which He liked. The name of the movie was, "Pleasantville.' God liked the movie, especially the beginning of the movie where the folks in Pleasantville behaved in a very mild and predictable manner week after week. Their world was black and white and shades of grey not only spectroscopically but behavorily. God found this world soothing and He must have longed for angels who had similar characteristics.
He ordered a team of his best and brightest angels to create a a real version of Pleasantville.

God did this as a last resort. He had tried but failed to create his own version.

The Design Group went to work on the problem. They worked for twenty four million years, then presented a detailed plan to God. They explained that a 'Pleasantville' was not possible in Supernature, that another, 'parallel universe,' would need to be created. They presented God with all the documentation, including the magic words for creation, 'Let There Be Light.'

They attempted to educate God in the basics of this new universe; however God, in what must have been the most spectacular premature ejaculation in history, uttered the fateful words immediately.

The explosion which followed burned many butts including God's, and not only butts but egos were burned as well. It was a disaster.

This event led to a falling out between God and His original design group.

God waited and waited for His Pleasantville population to appear, but the new universe was nothing but chaos for billions of years. He began to think that the Design Group was incompetent or worse.

Fuck!

(13)

Fuck! I was so intent on fulfilling my agenda tonight that I completely forgot to put on the usual music! Argh! I am such an idiolog. I am making up for that lapse of consciousness tonight at 2244l by listening to BPC#1.

Daruma stares down at me from the top of my computer in disgust. I feel like an insect (tap).

You are right, Daruma.

I just returned from a sample of current tv fare (2255l) and I found nothing of interest. So I am stuck here. WE are stuck here. I realize that I am way too drunk to present an intriguing idea to the most dedicated idiot - not that I see you as idiot - so I will move on. I leave you tonight at exactly 2300l.

The Usual Stuff

(12)

I think this brings us further than I envisioned for tonight, so I will suspend these interviews until next week. Before I surf to a new number I want to mention only a fragment of a subsequent interview with Lucifer wherein he (being gassed here) gives us some insight into the Nature of Heaven:

me: What goes on in Heaven?
lucifer: The usual stuff: they chant.
me: Chant what?
lucifer: They chant praises.
me: can you be more specific?
lucifer: Latin phrases.
me: Can you favor us with a sample?
lucifer: '... supra omne genus, necessarium, unum, infinite, perfectum, simplex, immutible, immensum, eternum, intelligens.'
me: Is that all?
lucifer: That's enough.

The Ultimate Torture

(11)

me: Can you tell us anything about the origin of circumcision?
god: I created circumcision.
me: Can you tell us why?
god: It's a long story.
me: Could you tell us succinctly? We have a short attention span.
god: I instituted circumcision in self-defense.
me: Please go on.
god: I hate sex. But I am condemned to watch every sexual act in the Universe. I reasoned that if I could modify the male penis de-sensitationwise, then I would not have to witness so many millions of sexual acts every day and every night.
me: I understand.
god: No. You do not understand. You have no idea what it is like to have to witness every sexual act in The Universe on a 24/7/365 basis. It is the Ultimate Torture.

Crimes Against Children

(10)

If so, then there should certainly be a law against it.

But such a law would miss the point, in my opinion: a much more relevant law would be a law against sexual mutilation. Sexual mutilation happens routinely every day all across America in the name of 'health.'

Furthermore it happens in the name of 'religion.'

In order to make my point here I have arranged interviews with both WHTZSNM and Lucifer:

----------

me: Do you know the origin of circumcision?
lucifer: I do. Circumcision originated with penis envy.
me: How so?
lucifer: As life arose on Earth and as it became clear that sexual pleasure was the driving force behind all of reproduction we (us angels) noticed that god was becoming more and more... irritated. He began to ignore us more and more as time went by. Eventually we deduced that His irritation stemed from His constant need to observe all sexual activity. He would observe continuously and make copious notes. And as the Universe became larger and larger, and as the number of living things whose personal genesis depended on a sexual act grew to greater and greater proportions, we could see that god was becoming overloaded with the documenting of irrelevant sexual details.

It seemed to us that He was obsessed with sex and that furthermore He hated it.

Hot-saucing Children

(9)

I deduce from the news tonight that some or other progressive northeastern state (Mass? Conn?) is on the verge of outlawing spanking and related 'crimes' against children, including 'hotsaucing.' Did I get that right? Are there really parents out there who force their children to imbibe Tobasco sauce as punishment? I hope not.

One of my earliest memories concerns just such an incident: we were eating supper. I spotted a little bottle of stuff on the table which I took to be a bottle of pop. I grabbed the bottle and took a swig. It must have been a bottle of hot sauce, because my breath was immediately taken away. I could only leave the table and go out on the porch and hang my head over the railing with my mouth wide open, salivating copiously. I stayed that way for at least ten minutes. I seem to remember that my parents, who may have been taken by surprise by my unexpected maneuver, remonstrated me for my impulsive behavior.

Do modern parents really inflict hot sauce on their children?

Fait Accompli

(8)

This brings us to a natural truncation point. Further revelations concerning gods and devils must await the passage of seven more days.

In the meantime I have been observing modern culture in my usual assiduous manner and I have some observations which you may or may not be interested to know. But truth be told I was presented with a sort of fait accompli tonight in my dialogs with the spirits: I had planned to have god admit that He had created Hell. Unfortunately as I reread last week's blog I discovered that god had not done so. I had planned another case of, 'Abracadabra.' I intended to blame it all on god.

But god did not create Hell. The banished angels created Hell. So I have to deal with that. I can tell you that I have planned, for next week, some revealing descriptions of Heaven and Hell. You might want to tune in.

Technicalities

(7)

me: Speaking of which, have you ever heard of Hell?
god: I am aware of Hell, an infernal creation.
me: The fallen Angels live in Hell.
god: Why are you rubbing this in?
me: Nothing personal. I only seek the truth. The VOOT says that you created Hell.
god: That is technically correct: I created EVERYTHING.
me: In that case should we not annoint you with the title, 'Father of Lies?'
god: There is a sometimes a great difference between 'the letter' and 'the spirit.' You may be technically correct, but I do not view myself in that way.
me: Neither does Lucifer.
god: Do not mention that name in My Presence!

We Live in Different Worlds

(6)

Most interesting. Lucifer claims that he never lies. On the other hand it seems inconcievable that God would lie. How ought we to go about clarifying this obviously murky situation? I think we need to talk to god again:

me: I've been talking to Lucifer.
god: Not a good idea.
me: Lucifer claims that he never lies.
god: Right.
me: Do you ever lie?
god: Never.
me: Then how do you explain the huge perceptual disparity which confronts us?
god: We live in different worlds.

I Never Lie

(5)

Hmm. According to Lucifer, Hell is a balmy 78 degrees. Should we believe him?

me: They say that you are 'The Father of Lies.' Why should we believe you?
lucifer: I am indeed 'The Father of Lies' (being gassed here with a small dose of RLG).
me: So why should we believe you about Hell?
lucifer: I designed The Universe. The Universe is full of people. People lie.
me: And you don't lie?
lucifer: I never lie.

Nobody Wades in

(4)

I can see in The Mind's Eye that some of you are enjoying this prospect. But wait: the game is far from over.

lucifer: Why were you afraid?
me: Burning in Hell forever is not my idea of fun.
lucifer: Hell's temperature has been greately exaggerated. Nobody burns there.
me: But the Bible talks about a 'lake of fire.'
lucifer: Geological fantasy. Hell's temperature averages about 78 degrees year round. Hell is much like Hawaii.
me: No lake of fire?!
lucifer: Well, we have one for the tourists, but nobody wades in.

I Was Afraid of That

(3)

We will now leave God for the moment and jump back to Lucifer:

me: God claims that there is no Hell, that all the 'fallen angels' went to The Earth and became human.
lucifer: Little does He know.
me: Please elaborate.
lucifer: We created Hell. We needed a place to stay. There are now two places in Supernature: Heaven and Hell. God and his buddies are in Heaven; me and my buddies are in Hell.
me: Most interesting. Is it true that after I die I will go either to Heaven or to Hell?
lucifer: That is true.
me: I'm almost afraid to ask this, but do you have some inkling...?
lucifer: You are on the road to Hell.
me: I was afraid of that.

There is No Santa Claus

(2)

me: Missed again, idiot.
god: And I was trying really hard this time.
me: I'll credit you with a near-miss. I jumped about an inch off the mattress.
god: Good.
me: You'll never guess what I was doing when you... 'called.'
god: I know exactly what you were doing. I can quote the statistics in detail if you like.
me: Not necessary. Do you keep such close tabs on everybody or is just me?
god: Absolutely everybody.
me: Just like Santa Claus?
god. There is no Santa Claus.

Gassing Takes a Dive

(1)

The gassing leved took a sudden dive about midday Tuesday and has hovered at that less vicious level since. As a result I now average five or six hours of much needed (tap) sleep.

I continue to think about gods and devils and stuff like that, therefore I will proceed with my little fable. I don't like the moniker, 'Satan' because it has been so demonized by scared-shitless Christians; so I will change it to, 'Lucifer' (light bearer). Tonight's conversations begin with good ole god:

Goodnight Irene

(11)

Time for me to wrap this up. My allotment of booze has been consumed. I have said all that I want to say about god. I feel no need to condemn my hapless readers with questions of 'drunken meaning.'

Next Friday night will see a return of my gloriously drunken brain cells.

I know you can hardly wait.

Wondering

(10)

I love CNN!

I think that CNN is one of the fundamental reasons why I am still alive. I think that CNN was the catalyst which enabled the creation of our modern world. We are here in part because of CNN. We owe our current life to CNN in a very real sense.

CNN is celebrating their 25th anniversary. Well they should.

The Vatican is currently considering whether to annoint JPII a saint. But we wonder: how much of a saint would JPII have been without CNN? Not much, we think. In fact without CNN JPII would have lived in obscurity.

Synergy emerges in this saintly regard. As the Vatican considers whether to pronounce JPII an actual saint, we wonder. We wonder how much international media contributed to prospective sainthood.

We wonder.

POOF

(9)

What fun! I can tell you folks out there that there is only one experience more pleasurable than talking to god one on one: Acid.

POOF

satan: Good evening.
me: Let us hope.
satan: You are the latest sally from the divine?
me: Not exactly. I am a journalist.
satan: Hmm! Are you prepared to swear that you are only a journalist and not an agent of god?
me: I so swear. I am not an agent of god.
satan: I am familiar with you journalists. You want a 'story.' How can I help you?
me: I want the story of your life.

It

(8)

me: Are you circumcised?
god: Don't be silly.
me: Don't you have a dick?
god: Not exactly.
me: But the Very Old and Odius Testament suggests that you created man in your image.
god: Man created me in man's image.
me: I trust we are speaking rhetorically here. So you are actually sexless? No dick?
god: No dick.
me: But they call you, 'He.'
god: Mostly projection.
me: You are actually, 'IT.'
god: Right. I am it.
me: How was the natural penis created?
god: You need to speak to the devil.
me: Can you introduce me?
god: Done!

Don't be Silly

(7)

me: But you managed to elaborae in great detail how your chosen people should regard their penises.
god: I did.
me: By suggestion.
god: Yes.
me: What was your interest in penises?
god: Penises are perverse.
me: How so?
god: Penises were the devil's creation. So were vaginas. I found them all repulsive. I determined to minimize the devil's designs by circumcision and infibulation. And I succeeded for thousands of years.
me: So you invented circumcision as a device?
god: Not exactly. I created the idea of sexual mutilization in order to minimize the sexual pleasure of my Chosen Children.
me: I understand that. Why?
god: Sex was created by the devil. It was indecent. I hated it right from the start.
me: Is it fair to say that you are circumcised?
god: Don't be silly.

The Instructions Were Missing

(6)

me: May I speculate concerning the name of the angel who headed up the design group?
god: You may.
me: Lucifer?
god: Exactly.
me: If I were to summarize the circumstances of the creation of the universe more or less succinctly...
god: And you will...
me: ...would I be correct in suggesting that you farmed out the creation of the universe to the devil?
god: You would.
me: That explains a lot.
me: I am curious. After you banished the Lucifer group to the realm of Nature did you take complete control of the universe?
god: Not exactly. Most of it was beyond my control. The instructions were missing. I only controlled Heaven absolutely. My control of the earth was limited to suggestion.
me: What do you mean by 'suggestion?'
god: I could occasionally tap into the brain of a succeptible person and dictate my word.
me: And you dictated the very old and odius testament.
god: That is your characterization, not mine.

More Complications

(5)

(The question concerning accuracy was prompted by today's thunderstorm which rained lots of rain and hail on the Denver area this afternoon. I just walked into the kitchen-living room and witnessed a pleasant scene: Barbara Walters interviewing Larry King! The question she posed was, 'What is the most over-rated virtue?' Larry returned, 'Sincerity.' Hmm. My answer would have been, 'Faith.' I TIVO'd the show and will watch it next week under soberer conditions.)

Where were? Ahh, talking to god. What now follows may tend to confirm your suspicions.

me: Complications?
god: Yes. After the entire design group got burned (tap) by the initial explosion they began to murmur against me.
me: Please go on.
god: They seemed to be on the verge of fomenting a rebellion against me.
me: I can understand that.
god: I concluded that the only remedy available to me was banishment.
me: Sounds reasonable.
God: So I banished them all from Heaven.
me: Did the maneuver work?
god: It worked! They all disappeared! I was left alone with my most trusted angels.
me: I presume you banished them to Hell.
god: I did indeed.
me: All the world wants to know: did you first conjure up Hell with the magic word, 'Abracadabra?'
god: Not exactly.
me: What do you mean, 'Not exactly?'
god: I was so outraged that I forgot to create Hell. I banished them all and they all left for the so-called natural world. There they live today.
me: Among us?!
god: Unfortunately.
god: It might be more accurate to say that they died but that their descendants live.
me: And they are us.
god: Exactly.

Complications

(4)

This brings us up to date, more or less.

me: Your aim has not improved. You missed again.
god: What matters is that I try.
me: I love it when I can say, 'Missed again, Idiot!' Should I change that to, 'Try again, Sweetie.'?
god: That would be preferable.
me: Would you enlighten us a little concerning your legendary inaccuracy? How did it happen?
god: The proper aiming of lightening bolts was actually in the documents which the design group had presented to me; however those documents were all destroyed in the initial explosion. I therefore never learned the procedure.
me. I see. But couldn't you have had the design group draw up a duplicate set of instructions?
god: I could have and would have but for the ensuing complications.
me: Complications?

A Celestial Disaster

(3)

Before I get too drunk tonight we need to revisit my conversations with god concerning the creation of the universe. You may recall that god 'farmed out' the design of the universe to his brightest angels. They took 24 million years to design the universe from scratch, then presented their plan to god. They then attempted to explain their plan to god in great detail; however god, being a generalist, was put off by all the scientific nitty-gritty and rebuffed the group of talented angels. God then spoke the recommended words, 'Let there be light,' and everybody in the vicinity was damn near killed by the resulting big bang.

God was obviously too impulsive in that particular case. If he had taken the time to listen to the full story that the angels were trying to present to him he would have taken the recommended precautions and got everybody and every thing as far away as possible from that tiny point in space where everything began. But nooooo. He spoke the magic words prematurely. It was the first 'premature ejaculation' in history and as a result a lot of very smart angels got their butts burned unnecessarily. It was, in short, a celestial disaster.

I'll Never know

(2)

Wow! Blogger is indeed snappier! I think I'm gonna like this!

'Hannibal' played yesterday on the USA channel and I TIVO'd it. I'm a fan of Anthony Hopkins and 'Silence of the Lambs'; so when this sequel came out I saw it at the local flick. It hit me immediately that this movie was essentially an anti-circumcision movie. One of the main characters was circumcised from the neck up and from the ears forward. The result was as debilitating to him socially as penile circumcision is debilitating to its victims sexually, and naturally he seeks revenge.

I was so amazed by this movie that I went to the library and checked out the book. The book is even more anti-circ than the movie. I wrote about this in my (tap) drog some years ago. Two features of the movie struck me as particularly interesting: in the movie the villian (the facial circumcate) is eaten by pigs, and Ray Liota has a role where Hannibal Lecter samples his brain in the gastronomical sense. Both these scenes were hilarious (to me): In the first case, because I had once fantasized in my drog about chopping up Walter Gerash and feeding him to pigs, then collecting the resulting piggie poop and shipping it home to his family in a body bag for burial, and in the second case because one of the characters' real names matched mine (Ray). I always wondered whether the contents of my drog had found their way into the book and later the movie. I'll never know.

Extreme Violence

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The cool weather is unfortunate for me because Kootch keeps her bedroom window closed now. Nightime gassing has been extremely violent recently. I average only four hours of sleep per night and both lungs are now badly burned. For example, Yesterday I hit the sack at 2300 (being gassed here) and didn't get up until 1100 this morning. I slept about four hours and the other eight hours were solid gas. Daytime gassing is also quite violent. There are times when the only escape for me is to leave the apartment.