Responsibility

(4)

Another TODAY theme was 'parenting.' As a parent I was interested in the subject. Katie and Matt and Anne and Al expressed their individual angst as parents, and I could relate to them. I began to wonder how good I was as a parent. I 'examined my conscience.'

I don't think that I was an exceptional parent (tap). I was average at best. I see this result as the legacy of my own inadequate parents. My parents failed me miserably. I never ever had the idea that I would eventually become a parent, although I was well aware that I could 'give her a baby.' I never ever thought of myself as a daddy. Never. Ever

But Mother Nature eventually presented me with two lovely females, through the auspices of their mother, my wife. Those little girls presented themselves to me as 'natural results' of fucking. I accepted them as such and made room in my life for them. I conjured up the moral scenerio that I owed to them more than the minimal attention which had been granted to me as a child. I saw it as my duty to improve on my parents, but not much more. I saw no need for 'heroics.'

As a result our two girls grew up in a stressless world. They pretty much did as they pleased so long as it did not offend me. But as time went on (tap) I found it necessary to correct them from time to time. I became the liberal but authoritarian parent whereas Kootch became the total non-parent (it seemed to me). The result was that I became the villain of the family while Kootch became the hero. It became a subtle scenerio of 'me against them.' I hated it but there was nothing I could do to change it.

I don't think that Kootch was aware of the situation on an intellectual level. I think that Kootch was relating to her children on an elemental emotional level. The eventual result of all that was that as they entered puberty and beyond I felt 'excluded.' I thought nothing of it, really. I thought that this must be the way it always goes.